The Jaffe Briefing - May 17, 2021

Frida Ekim 21, 2021

STATEWIDE – Fake elections? Fake news? Fake this, Fake that. All would agree we are certainly tired of the overuse of such an inflammatory word. Yet, when it comes to elections in New Jersey, NJ.com is reporting the state is behind others in ensuring air-tight elections. We are just one of six states that don’t include a paper trail that would help election officials ensure voting machines weren’t messed with during the big count. Of course, there is a huge price tag to fix this: an estimated $60-$80 million to replace all the county voting machines. Unfortunately, the cost of new technology is not fake.

CLOSTER – You are right to assume that the sleepiest contested races are for school board, in which everyone seems to behave themselves, as they compete for unpaid jobs that gobble up all their free time. Yet, in this leafy town, there seems to have been a bit of a bloodbath in the last election, prompting the board president to sue one of his elected colleagues, Kathy Fable. Joseph Argenziano, who presides over the Northern Valley Regional High School District school board, is blasting fellow board member Fable for a campaign mailer, which claims he is a bully, a racist, rude, disrespectful and secretly planning to build a $10 million pool, the Record reports. The infuriated board president is also going after the printer and the mail house (a bit excessive) in his lawsuit, after he hired a private investigator to hunt down anyone with culpability for this mailer. Wow.

MOORESTOWN – Everyone loves a colorful political candidate. And New Jersey Globe has found the perfect one to highlight in a potential run for Congress against Rep. Andy Kim. He’s a 38-year-old yacht builder, heavily-tattooed with long hair and nipple piercings, who was once the lead singer in a punk rock band and now teaches yoga. Sounds good to us. Robert Healey, Jr., the co-chairman of the South Jersey-based Viking Yacht Company, has been meeting with GOP leaders to line up party support for a big run, expecting to pay for most of the campaign himself. He has already lined up some consultants, as he prepares to chart these untested waters and sail on to victory.

BRIEFING BREATHER

Your fingernails grow faster on your dominant hand.

TRENTON – The state spends a lot of time focused in areas where people are not getting vaccinated, but why not take a moment to celebrate some towns with New Jersey’s highest vaccination rates? Rarely does an “atta-boy” story generate many clicks, but let’s give some kudos to the top flyers in the state: Paramus and Ocean City, both of which have 58% of their adults fully vaccinated. Other valedictorians here are Haddonfield, Millburn, Voorhees and Chatham. Hey, it’s not too late for your town to get on the much-heralded “Top 10” list, but you’ll need to at least achieve a rate of 50% of your population that has had both shots. We look forward to celebrating you here.

IN THE MEDIA

ISELIN – The Star-Ledger has been playing around with its masthead lately, and that’s not sitting well with the retirees who worked there during the glory days of a 700,000 Sunday circulation. It appears the newspaper is switching its masthead each morning, with some clip art that is designed to cleverly connect with a story the newspaper is promoting. As traditionalists will tell you, no one really messes with a newspaper’s masthead – it is the celebration of continuity over generations of publishing. So, that’s why the Ledger’s alumni page on Facebook is all aflutter with terse comments such as, “Bad,” “Sad,” “Oof,” “Grim,” “Thought the comics were in another section,” “Ugh, Now, I can’t unsee it,” and “EEEEKK!” Here is today’s version, to further haunt the newspaper purists out there.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

NORWALK, Calif. — The winner of a $26 million state lottery may have literally washed the winnings down the drain. A store employee told the Whittier Daily News that a lottery player came in Wednesday and told workers that she had put the ticket in her pants, and it was destroyed in the laundry. The store manager also shared with KTLA a surveillance video that showed the woman buying the ticket, and she’s known to store workers. A copy of the video was turned over to California Lottery officials, who promise to give it a casual look or two. Expect the California schools to hope for inconclusive findings, as any unclaimed prize money goes straight to their coffers.

LAW TALK

Attorney: So, the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness: Yes

Attorney: And what were you doing at the time?

Witness: Getting laid.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1975 that Mick Jagger punches a window and gets 20 stitches, but can’t get no satisfaction.

WORD OF THE DAY

Magnum Opus – [MAG-numb-OH-pus] – noun

Definition: A great work, typically by a writer or artist

Example: This newsletter, of course, is a magnum opus

WIT OF THE DAY

“I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.”

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

BIDEN BLURB

“When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed.”

-Joe Biden

* Fun Fact: Herbert Hoover was president during the 1929 Wall Street crash and television didn't exist.

WEATHER IN A WORD

Awesome

THE NEW 60

A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive

by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun

TheNew60Comic.Com

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